I'm calling this an apology.

Calling me at 3am, so stay on the phone with you and make sure you don't piss on your $300.00 designer jeans. 

I'm calling that an apology. 

I'm pretty sure this is what you call love. We can scream, and we can yell, and say things we may or many not mean. I can sit here this evening wondering if Im doing the right thing. Then at night, all you want to do is be with me, and when you can't, all you want is to here my voice. You let me know that you need me, in your own way. Your rough exterior, you could never come out and say it. But you call me, and want me, and I know that if I could just be with you, you'd hold me, and everything would be alright in my world again. 

So here I'm laying, on the phone with you, making sure you get home safely because you won't let me come rescue you. And all I want is to fall asleep to your voice. 

LUSH review/ MAC haul

 M.A.C. Studio Moisture Cream - $31.00, $20.00 with my MACpro discount - This stuff is the best stuff of my life!! I finally have a skincare regiment and this is fantastic, and you don't need a lot. Its a little pricey, but definitely worth it. I put it on before my foundation (lately I've been using a tinted moisturizer because its summer and regular foundation would sweat off) and it goes on so smoothly!

 M.A.C. "Seasonal Peach" nail polish - $11.00, $5.00 with my MACpro discount - I LOVE this color. The youtube gurus have gotten me into nailpolish lately. My nails aren't long because i usually rip them, but I got this strengthening  treatment and put on nailpolish and they're hard now, so I can't really rip them. I have it on my toes and hands right now :)

 MAC "Violet Fire" nail polish - Same as listed above - Michael from the MACpro store I go to, had me sold on this color. I wanted a pretty color, and then a "punky" color. He tried to sell me a silver color to go along with this, but I don't think I'd wear silver by itself, so I didn't get it. Jin Soon Choi is doing a MAC line soon, with all nail polishes, and Im hoping to get more when that comes out in august. 

LUSH REVIEW:

 Jasmine and Henna Fluff Ease Conditioner - OMG. This stuff is so wonderful!! I put it on my dry hair while I was in the bath and let it soak in for about 35 minutes, and then just washed it out, no shampoo or anything. I let my hair dry naturally so I could get the full effect of the product, and the outcome was AMAZING. It weighed my hair down without being greasy, so that I had these really cute beachy waves instead of full on really curly hair like I usually do. The package said to use 1/4 of the jar, but I didn't need that much. 
 Herbalism Face Cleanser - I've been using this because I got it for free, like ALOT of product for free, 1/8 of a pound. I like angels on bareskin better, but Im using this until it runs out. But all in all, a good product, does pretty much the same thing that angels on bare skin does, but I noticed a little more glow and softness with Angels. 

I'm not going anywhere.

I think I fight with you, because I love you so much. 

I am a person that has feelings. Emotions, and I've come to grips with them, and controlled them, and am able to identify now what they are. But sometimes, you act like I don't have feelings. That I couldn't possibly  be there for you enough, when Im there for you, every second of every day. 

You tell me I don't understand what's going on in your head, that you're all fucked up. None of this is my fault, or my responsibility, but will you let me in a little bit? Give me an idea of how I can make your life a little easier, other than being who you want me to be to you. For once in a very long time, I'm doing what's right for myself. I'm alright alone. 

But I'm not going anywhere. 

LUSH review and haul

Ive been a little behind on my LUSH hauls and reviews. First with reviews:

 Figs and Leaves Soap - This is probably my new favorite soap. The smell is like...earthy and orange, and it has these little exfoliating fig seeds in it. It also lathers really well, is moisturizing and lasts long. 

 Happy Pill Bath Bomb - Im still on the fence about this one. It's pretty, it leaves the water this orange, tangerine color, which is cool, and the scent stays in the water, but theres no moisturizing factors. It also didn't leave the scent on my skin after my bath. But it was really relaxing while in the bath.

And for my haul!

Jasmine and Henna Fluff Ease Hair Treatment - $20.45 - I was looking for a hair mask of some sort, and really wanted The Strokes, which is for curly hair, but its a retro item (which means its only available online), so I decided to try this one instead.  Ill be going to the beach twice this week, so Ill probably use it this week and can review it. 

 Herbalism Face Cleanser - $6.48 for 1/8 lb but I got mine free - For being, I guess, a "valued customer", I got a coupon for either a 1/8 lb facial product, or 1/8 lb solid shampoo. Now, I wish I would have gotten a shampoo. I wanted fresh farmacy or coal face, to try out how the block soaps work, and somehow let the sales woman talk me into this. It smells interesting to say the least, and I don't really like the messiness of these products, but I'll try it. I got a HUGE portion for free. 
Vitamin E Toner Tab - $1.50 - You put these in a hot bowl of water and let the steam seep into your pores. Just curious about the product. 
Vitamin C Toner Tab - ''
 Brazened Honey Face Mask - Unknown price - I got a sample of this, because I wanted to try it versus the love lettuce and didn't want to buy a whole thing. LUSH doesn't sell them online because they only last 3 weeks because they're fresh and have to be refrigerated. I picked this one because it was for normal skin, and was known to make skin "glow". It smells like honey and bananas. 

My aha moment

So I had this weird..."aha moment" today in therapy. Yes...I just quoted Oprah. 

For the longest time I tried to look for "ideal" friends. If they weren't exactly who I wanted them to be, I didn't put in effort to make a friendship work. I had a list of values and priorities that I felt needed to be met, and that someone worth my time would have. 

In having these "categories," I actually found people that made me incredibly miserable. People that required my attention all the time, people that were emotional, people who took advantage of me, in more just than just financial ways (because my parents had money!). People who just weren't positive people and brought me down, rather than up, which is why I was looking for these people in the first place. That is the person who I used to be, I found these types of friends because they mirrored who I was. But through therapy, and self-discovery, and separating myself from these people, and honestly - being a little bit selfish in order to take care of myself for a change, I've become someone new, my real self. 

What I discovered today is that, in not looking for the "ideal" friend, and just surrounding myself with people who make me happy, they have become my "ideal" friends. No, they may not be as emotional as I, they may not want to sit and just watch TV (which is good for me, it gets me active!). I've found just people who clearly have no drama whatsoever in their lives. They live simply, and happily. 

I put these people in lists in my head. I write them down in my handwriting, and decide what my best plans of action are. There are people I met when I was depressed and had no idea who I was. All I wanted was a friend, and they took advantage of that. There is someone who has known me through thick and thin, and never left my side, never judged me, loved me for who I was, knew who I was, when I didn't even know, sat with me when I cried, held me when I needed to be held. And then there are people that are my future. Who I want to be more like, who I want to surround myself with, and who just like me for me. 

Alice in Wonderland promo pics

marry you

I could marry you tomorrow, in any color dress.