I miss everything about you

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

***

Is it possible to still be in love with someone after all this time??

Through the years...

Ugh so Zoe did this little post about her hair through the decades. I definitely don't have pictures of me when I was a baby, but I've changed my hair so often that it deserves this:

Currently - I now work for Victoria's Secret and have to hide the tattoos on the back of my neck, so I wear extensions (clip-ins) about 80% of the time.
However during this time, I decided to get orange highlights. Which I LOVED. But they were too punky and I couldn't get a job with them, so they soon passed away.
Beginning 2009 - I decided I needed something new and got an asymmetrical haircut. I REALLY liked it for a while, but it was hard to style it any other way, so I wore it this way for about 5 months and then cut it back to the shorter side.

2008 - Blurry, but I decided to bleach my hair. It lasted about 2 days before I dyed it back dark dark brown. But during these few days, the only pictures are with me with a hat on.

2008 - Ended up dying my hair REALLY light that summer. I should NEVER be blonde.

Late 2008 - Still the same cut. But a little more sophisticated. I got chunky bangs and put in some blonde highlights. I would kill to be able to recreate this look again!
Freshman Year 2008 - My boyfriend at the time really liked blonde and black hair together, the blonde didn't work out, and I ended up dying my entire head black and got this really punky cut and spiked it in the back. Its kinda cute I think.

Freshman Year 2008 - This is right after I got my extensions out and had my hair dyed a dark red. I actually really like this cut on me, and the color. I'm even happy with the length.
Late 2007 - Summer before freshman year, This is when I spent all my graduation money ($800!!!) to get extensions put in. I did love them though.

Late 2007 - Summer before freshman year. This is as closest to my natural color and hair texture that I can remember seeing it.

Senior year 2007ish - I had cut my hair really short again, and dyed it lighter, probably a mix of all the crazy highlights I had gotten.

Junior Year - My senior picture was taken Junior year. I loved my hair. I wish I could wear my hair like this all the time.

Junior Year 2005 - Still longish. Dyed it pretty dark. Almost black! I had gotten it curled for Junior Prom. Looking back, I definitely could have curled it myself lol.

Junior Year 2005 - My hairs at a really nice length and I took these pictures RIGHT after I dyed it. I thought I looked pretty hot at the time. My hairs really fried.
Freshman year 2003 - With Liz. I have spent since then trying to get my hair to be this color. And my bangs like that. And that texture. Nope. It shall never be like that again.

attack of the exs

Im pretty sure who ever is up there looked down on me this weekend and said "lets make this the most confusing weekend EVER! bam! Attack of the ex boyfriends!"

So last night I went to the Ferrison show at the Metro, which was fantastic, and Kyle was there. Proceeded to talk vaguely, he spilled his beer down the front of my shirt, we talked, I became all googly eyed once again, gave him a really nice hug when I left, he asked for my number, and we went our separate ways.

Later that night, turns out he is at Dean's after-party. Continues to text me, tells me he's sorry profusely, discusses with me how he's in the midst of breaking up with his girlfriend, and trying to move out. Then asks me if I'm over him. How am I supposed to answer that? I've waited 2 years to have this conversation. Of course I say no. I'm not over him. There's still a bit of the person I feel in love with in there. Tell him all this, and we end the night hooking up in the alley. Yea...I'm an idiot.

He tells me he wants to get together today, around 3. Tells me he'll text me in the morning. Never heard from him. Did I expect to? A little bit. Oh well.

I spent the day with my mom, knowing John and I were going to order some food tonight and relax and chill. Turns out he had a long night, and then is watching the game, so I go to drop something off at his house at 11:00, cause I'm too tired to hang out and kinda pissed off that we didn't hang out early. So he meets me on the curb, and gives me this big hug, and fucking kisses me. WHAT THE FUCK??!! Seriously, lets mess with this girls emotions. I was shocked and taken aback and just kind of ignored it. He seemed a little confused that I ignored it, and I just got in my car and drove away.

I'm intrigued to find out how this all plays out. The soap opera of my life...

Kate Nash

So I'm sitting in Caribou, and a song came on that I haven't listened to in a long time comes on. I listened to it a lot when me and Kyle were together and even more when we broke up. I don't know why it made my heart sink. This is exactly the way I felt when I was with him and knew that it would never happen. It's such a sad, haunting song. I haven't seen him in so long, and I still can't figure out why he's so special. 

John's birthday is Thursday, two days from now. I know I want to write him  letter, tell him how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much he's saved me. And I don't know what to write. I can't get Kyle out of my head enough. 

Kate Nash - The Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

August 25th, Day 51!

August 25th is day 51!!

Such a long time, and such nice things to my hair. 

Day 47, August 21st

August 21st, Day 47. Everythings going as well as can be. I like my hairs texture a lot more when I don't use shampoo. Next time I have the money, Ill be buying more Jungle shampoo and liquifying it. Solid Shampoos are great, but NOT conditioners.

Took a Lush Bath last night with:

Ocean Salt (used it on my feet)

Running to the Embassy (trying to get rid of it)

MMM melting marshmellow Moments (got it for free)

It was relaxing, but I will definitely not repurchase MMM. 

Expect a LUSH haul within the next few weeks. 

Day 46, August 20th

Day 46, August 20th

Work is kicking my ass. I've been off for the past few days though, so I'm ready to work Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. It's like a real job! My feet are going to take a beating though. Hoping I don't have my on-call to close tonight, then I should be home around 9:30 and can take a LUSH bath. 

I've been really good about not eating too many calories, and still no weight lose. I think I need some more physical activity outside work. 

Tattoo

PS.

August 19th, day 45.

August 19th, day 45.

It's been a long time since I posted. Life has been hectic working SO much. Unfortunately, I think I might quit Victoria's Secret due to the fact that it was supposed to be a part time job but I'm working 43 hours a week...how does that work...? lol. ALSO! My last paycheck was $107! Thats how much fucking corporate taxes take out. Bitches. 

Hair's still doing well. I'm not AS obsessed about growing it out, because I got extensions and I can have long hair anytime I want.

Been spending a lot of time with the boy. Yay. Eww...if I wasn't myself, I'd totally think I was nauseating. But I think this is the longest period of time we've spend together. His birthday is August 27th, and I'm still deciding what to get him....liqour, hookah, clothes...who knows. 

I would drop my life to take her place

I'm sick of seeing you cry
And wasting all your time
On someone who will never care enough
To make you feel loved
To make you feel safe
I would drop my life to take his place

To show you just how good
Being touched could be
Commit these words to memory
For when you find yourself
Pinned under his demands
I am still an option that you have

So carry me around
Like a picture in your purse
Pull me out when things are at their worst

You can show up at my house
Completely unannounced
We'll have that movie kiss we talked about

Where there are no words
Just a soft and gentle score
Our ears will ring from all the strings

We'll let the screen go black
And watch the credits run
And see the names of every one

Who we ever met
And who we ever missed
Each one had a role in this

It's just another film that won't get made
I'm sick of seeing you cry 

--Her Space Holiday, Tech Romance

I feel like you should hear this song...then you'll know how much I love you.

August 11th, 36 days/ New tattoo

August 11th. 36 days. My hairs is so much better shape. I stopped taking the biotin pills though. I wasn't seeing a huge difference and it was a hassle taking them twice a day. 

***

New tattoo in 6 days. A pretty big piece that I'm excited for. Pictures up  after.

i love you.

It's 1:12am. This has been going on for 3 years, and finally I tell you. 

I love you. I love you. There's nothing in this world I want more than to make you happy and take care of you and change your mind about the way you once felt about women. 

It took this long to say and I've said it. I never said it because being vulnerable means I could lose you. I'm still afraid of losing you.

VS new makeup line

Long hair makes me feel girly and sexy. haha. Day 30! WOW! 3o days. August 5th. 

Work today was FANTASTIC! We got 5 new products for free from the new line. I got this FAB berry colored lipstick called "vino". A neutral beige lipgloss in "glow". A really pretty pink blush trio called "giddy" that is SUPER pink and unlike anything I have. A eyeshadow quad that I'll probably give to my mom in "menage". And a hi-def mascara that is also FAB! They have this fantastic primer and foundation too that I'm going to buy when I have the money. 

 lipgloss in glow

hi def mascara

I also got some Christian Siriano makeup last week. 

 gilded fierce

bronzer trio

makeup bag

Day 29

Day 29! August 4th!

I got some extensions today and they match PERFECTLY. 

disgusting!

How cosmetics are tested on animals.

The first test is for eye irritations, or Draize test, in which shampoos and cosmetics are put into rabbit’s eyes, which are fastened, open. The chemical causes blistering, swelling and blindness. The pain often becomes so intense that the rabbit breaks its back trying to get away from it.

The second test is the skin irritation test in which the test animal has an area of its back stripped of fur and the test product repeatedly rubbed into the bare skin causing rash, pain and swelling.

The third test is the LD/50 test (Lethal dose - 50% die). In this test cosmetics are force fed to test animals to determine the amount necessary to cause 50% of them to die in severe agony from such things as organ blockage, toxic reaction, and convulsions.

Fourth is the inhalation test. In this test, animals are sprayed repeatedly in the face for a 2-1/2 hour period, and then killed and their tissues examined.

Shopping haul

My mother and I went shopping this past weekend and I got a few things. VERY out of order. I'm too lazy to put them in the correct order.

LUSH - Lemony Flutter Cuticle Butter - $13.50 - I've been wanting this for quite some time now. Only used it once (last night), but I don't know if it works well or not yet. Its a really thick cream/butter that smells FANTASTIC!

SEPHORA - Frederic Fekkai - $23.00 - I wanted a beachy wave spray because while at work for Victoria's Secret, we had a discontinued product. I had heard nothing but good things about this brand, and have used it only once now on damp hair. It smells awesome, has light hold, but is a bit expensive. Unless it does something fantastic, I probably won't buy it again.

 MAC - Triple Fusion Mineralize Skinfinish - $27.00 but I get a 40% discount - Loving this stuff. Darlene put it on both my mom and I, and we both ended up buying it. Its a little similar to the "soft and gentle" that I already own, but this is a bit pinker.

 URBAN OUTFITTERS - Romper - $43.00 -  I got some shoes and a necklace from UO when I went shopping with my mom, and got home to realize I couldn't wear the shoes to work and didn't want a $50.00 necklace that I didn't love. I am however, LOVING rompers lately. So I got this really cute one with a cute belt to wear for my party on Friday.
 MAC - Mineralize Skinfinish Natural in Medium - $27.00 - I wanted a mineralize all over mac powder for a while now and this stuff is MAGIC! If I wanted, I wouldn't even need to wear a foundation. Amazing coverage, matches my skintone perfectly. So happy I got it.
 VICTORIA'S SECRET - So excited about this!! A new collection designed by Christian Siriano. We got a few products in, but not everything. It isn't released until the 11th, but I was clocking out, and my boss knew how excited I was and looked at me, took out the new makeup bag, put in the bronzer, and gilded fierce shadow (all we had in stock) and handed it to me without saying anything. I'm the only one in the chicagoland area that has it!! The bag is fantastic, and gilded fierce is a perfect smokey eye color, with gold and green sparkles.  
 MAC - Lightful Charged Essence Serum - $44.00 - This is a skin moisturizer, but because its so expensive, and I use moisture lush, I've been using this as an under eye gel. It feels amazing! My mom bought some as well, and also the moisturizer to go with it. 
 URBAN OUTFITTERS - Belt - $28.00 - This is the belt that I got to go along with my romper for friday!

Day 28/August 3rd.

day 28, August 3rd. 

Ugh...Im getting extensions. Done and Done. Clip ins though. 

Same as always. But haven't been taking my pills religiously.